With the 12th movie in Fox’s X-Men film franchise, Dark Phoenix, now out in cinemas and the 13th and final instalment, The New Mutants, due out early in 2020, you’d be forgiven for thinking that we’ve seen just about every X-Men character make the transition from the comic book pages to the big screen.
There have been so many characters in the X-Men comics over the years that not even Google can give you a rough answer to exactly just how many there are. But with Disney finally acquiring 20th Century Fox, they will surely be looking to completely reboot the franchise in the near future and incorporate the X-Men into the MCU. While many expect Marvel Studios to finally give us comic book accurate portrayals of the likes of Cyclops and company, we’re hoping to see some of the more ‘unique’ characters make their debut on the silver screen.
Although it’s highly unlikely we’ll see many of these characters appear in the MCU, one can certainly dream. Live action or not, we can still enjoy them in the form of print. Here are 10 of the most ridiculous characters that have appeared in the pages of the X-Men comics.
10. INK
Although Ink’s powers themselves aren’t entirely ridiculous, it’s the nature of how he got his powers in the first place that puts him on his list. Unlike most mutants, who gained their abilities thanks to being born with the mutant gene, Ink got his powers by being tattooed by a mutant, so he’s not even actually a mutant himself. Not only that, but the mutant who gave him his abilities is now in a coma, and if he ever wakes up, Ink will lose all his powers and just end up with a bunch of stupid tattoos.
9. JOHN WRAITH
One character that has made the transition from the page to the screen is John Wraith. I could just say that Wraith (codenamed ‘Kestral’ for no apparent reason) was played in X-Men Origins: Wolverine by Will.I.Am. and leave it there, but for the sake of this article, I will elaborate further.
So Wraith has two main powers, the first of which being that he can phase through objects, which is fine. But it’s his other power which has ended him up on our list. You see, Wraith also has the power of anti-aging, which in real life would be pretty damn handy, but in the world of comic books, it’s completely pointless. Case in point, here’s Peter Parker in 1963…
…and here’s Parker in 2019:
Apart from the obvious artistic differences, Peter Parker hasn’t aged. No one ages. In a medium in which characters DO NOT AGE, what is the point of giving someone the power of anti-aging? Surely every character has that?
8. ADAM X THE X-TREME
Well first, that name. Adam X The X-Treme. Secondly, he’s just a massive bro, but lastly he has the ability to set fire to the blood of his enemies, which sounds pretty cool, until you realise that in order to get to the blood streams, he uses knives to cut them up first. So, if you’re already cutting people up with knives, then why bother using your powers at all? Surely the damage has been done?
7. TOAD
Toad is probably the most famous character on this list, having appeared in many animated shows as well as appearing in both the first X-Men movie and X-Men: Days Of Future Past, but there’s no beating around the bush here, this is a stupid character. With his ability to shoot out his long tongue and being able to jump long distances, he’s basically just a frog.
6. GOLDBALLS
He’s called Goldballs and he shoots big bouncing gold balls anywhere from his body. The balls aren’t even made of gold. They’re just big bouncing balls that make a “poink” sound whenever they bounce off something. I would say that Goldballs is utterly useless, but trust me, we’re only just getting started.
5. JAZZ
John Arthur Zander, aka Jazz, was an aspiring rapper, but he wasn’t very good at it. Join the club. When he went through his mutation, he was granted the power of… turning blue. That’s it. He’s just blue. Jazz went on to become a drug runner before being taken to a mutant concentration camp and was eventually killed by one of his tent mates, Johnny Dee who had the much cooler ability of having tentacles on his chest. What a bio. Still, at least he’ll be forever known for his “mediocre rap skills”, which according to the Marvel Comics wiki, is his main ability.
4. BAILEY HOSKINS
At least this character was intentionally terrible, but the fact that he starred in his own 5 part comic series titled “Worst X-Man Ever” says it all really. Bailey Hoskins was a fairly unpopular kid at high school with little to no redeeming features who just liked to play video games, until his parents finally decided to tell him that they are mutants, with his dad having the particularly impressive skill of being able to fry eggs on his chest. But instead of recoiling at the horror of learning he’s a mutant, Bailey can’t believe his luck. Finally, he had something that made him special!
So when he arrives at Xavier’s School For The Gifted, he can’t wait to find out what his special power is. But his whole world comes crashing back down when he discovers that his mutation has given him the power to self destruct, and only once, and then he would be dead, and 5 issues later, that’s exactly what happened.
3. BEAK
He was just a bird, and not even a good one. He couldn’t fly properly, couldn’t even fight because his bones would shatter and his only real defence was pecking his attackers with his beak, and even then it was fairly ineffective. Beak’s heart endured him to X-Men readers over the years, but that didn’t change the fact that he was complete incompetent.
Eventually Beak was depowered during the M-Day event and since went on to join the New Warriors in the much more flattering guise of Blackwing.
2. LONGNECK
I’ll give you a brief moment to try and guess what mutant powers the X-Man ‘Longneck’ had. If you guessed that Longneck’s mutation caused him to have a long neck, then give yourself a pat on the back. Longneck, the 102nd X-Man, was enlisted by Cyclops and succesfully helped him to defeat the forces of Xorn. Shortly after, M-Day happened, in which most of the mutants were depowered by the Scarlet Witch. To some, this day was a blessing, and I’m sure Longneck would have been amongst those happy to have his so-called powers stripped, if only his neck didn’t snap whilst trying to return to normal, instantly killing him. An utterly useless, if tragic, character.
1.EYE-SCREAM
Eye-Scream wasn’t actually a member of the X-Men, but a villain who, to this day, has only ever made one appearance in an X-Men comic. In that issue, he was jealous of the X-Men’s more glamorous abilities than those of his own and decided to take them down by invading their Danger Room. But what exactly were his powers and how exactly did he plan on entering the Danger Room? Well, he had the ability to turn into any flavour of Ice Cream, of course. Not just vanilla, not just chocolate, but any flavour of Ice Cream including, as specifically mentioned by the Marvel wiki, Banana Split. He was defeated by Professor X by lowering the temperature of the Danger Room control booth, where he was hiding, turning him into a frozen block of Ice Cream, before being decorated as a Sundae and he has never been seen since.
…and there we have it, there are ten of the most ridiculous X-Men characters, but trust me, there are many more. What’s your favourite ridiculous X-Character? Let us know in the comments!
NERDFACE 